Jen's Memphis Living Room Redo

Jen of http://penpaintpaper.blogspot.com/, an artist in Memphis, asked for my thoughts on her large, cathedral ceiling living room. To orient you:

And here are some pictures of what she wants it to look like:

And I added this one because it includes chairs that are similar in tone to two that she has.

And I checked with her on this one. She likes the mix of the ornate mirror and the contemporary table, the airy feeling, and the pops of color. But she wants more color. So!

Here's the room she is redesigning, and my running commentary.

It's got high cathedral ceilings, which works for what she clearly wants - heavy on the white, contemporary but not slick. The red walls HAVE to go, and I would recommend getting rid of the crown molding at the ceiling line. It just brings down the cathedral ceiling. I think the point of this architecture is it wants to soar. So let it. Paint everything white (Linen White? with a little warmth in it?) including the beams (which already are white, but we want them to match the newly painted walls).

She should add more molding around the doorways and windows -- its not chunky enough to stand up against the large beams. It could even be salvaged wood, left in its raw state (I'd do that to the doors only, not the windows.)

The floors seem fine -- two of the photos she chose for inspiration above seem to have similar toned floors.

That ceiling fan should be replaced with something more modern. The current fan is really really busy and dated and I hate it. But Jen herself seems very nice. :)

I'd go for something either from the modern fan company ( http://www.modernfan.com/velo.html) or from the big ass fan company -- very cool industrial fans. Might be too big ass, though http://www.bigassfans.com/residential/index.html

I'm not super juiced about the spot lights, but for the moment I'll let them stay.

She should get matchstick blinds for the lower part of the windows. Ikea sells 'em cheap.

Again, get rid of the red walls (or are they orange? ) and the dark couch, unless she can get it reupholstered or slipcovered in white duck. The two yellowish chairs can stay.

Everything in the room is so LOW to the ground and a bit timid and why is it hugging the walls so? I'll be looking for some bigger pieces -- a big mirror, large art, tall cool... things. Something substantial and tall is needed to balance out the massive stone fireplace you are about to meet.

Now this fireplace wall: the easiest thing to do would be to get rid of the mantle and all the bits and pieces up there -- they are too complicated with the already complex visual pattern of the stacked stones -- give it another coat of paint, white to match the walls. I'm considering some other options, though.

If Jen wants the room to be a bit more modern she could have a carpenter cover that wall in drywall to the ceiling, then wrap it in zinc sheets (with little brads hammered into rivet together the pieces.) It would look something like this, only not really because that's a stove not a fireplace. But if you squint you can see what I am envisioning.

Or cover the stones in wood all the way around, even into the dining room on the backside of the fireplace. This is a modern version, with the wood left unadorned. It could also be made really cheaply, and with more of an edge, from wood pallets, torn apart and nailed up on lathing. Jen could also get exterior wood siding and install it with an overlap between the boards -- that would be cool. Then that could be painted.. maybe a light grey or a dark charcoal. Or if she wants to go bright, a canary yellow?

Or she could cover the stone with plaster and make it smooth like a kiva, or just it give it the kiva treatment at the top and keep the rustic bottom. But you have to like rustic. Which she might.

In all but the last case I would get rid of the mantle. Jen I think is responding to the crispness and simplicity of the rooms above, and mantles are often just temptations to clutter. I say: make the architecture the art -- the height, airiness, the beams, the fireplace -- and get rid of all those little framed things. Busy busy busy.

So that's the envelope of the room. Paint out all the distracting details, let the room soar a bit, and begin to fill it -- but not too full -- with great pieces, mixing slick and shiny with patina and natural finishes, and ornateness with simplicity.

Now for some furnishings. She's in Memphis, and Craigslist is some slim pickins there. But there's a town called Jonesboro, AR, which Craigslist assures me is nearby (I checked a map) so I included some finds from there.

This couch and chair set are slipcovered in white -- perhaps off white -- and they are just $250. Jen's checking them out as we speak. They are a sight better than what she has, though not perfect. I'd like to find her something a bit more sleek and modern. These are screaming shabby chic and I'm pretty sure that's not what we are after. But for $250... they are a sight better than what she has now.

Together with the two chairs she has -- they appear to be pale yellow leather? -- they could make a fine conversational grouping, pulled up closer to the fireplace. and gathered in a U shape.

This cypress side table is a must. I think its $125, and if she doesn't immediately get in the car and go buy it, I might pass out from fury. need. that. table. The organicness of it! and it's graceful... like an old airplane model on a stand. I super heart.

This table is made of bamboo -- the picture is terrible but the top is bamboo cross-sections. It's 29 inches tall. It could be left as is or painted something glossy and wonderful.

On top of it, this birdcage. It is $75! needs a good cleaning of course. I like the shape and airiness. She could put a candle in it. She should put a mirror on the inside bottom of the cage to reflect more candle light up and around.

For the television, I want to bring in something slick ... something like this bureau (I would ignore the armoire below. We are not doing matchy matchy. I suppose they could go in different rooms. OK I changed my mind. One in the living room, one in the dining room, unless they are terrible in real life. But you see what I am going for: simple, glossy, bold, a little touch of metal.)

http://jonesboro.craigslist.org/fuo/1962706559.html

http://jonesboro.craigslist.org/fuo/1963511555.html

http://jonesboro.craigslist.org/fuo/1963569770.html

http://memphis.craigslist.org/fuo/1962773199.html

http://memphis.craigslist.org/fuo/1964663925.html

This is just a start... some retail choices to come in the next post. Given the paucity of used choices -- at least those available on the Internet -- Jen is going to have to be patient.. the more patience, the cooler and cheaper the stuff.

Let me know what you think, Jen!

How To Eat Your Vegetables: Part One: The First in a Two-Part Series

Vegetarians, move along. Bacon has entered the building.

You need five servings of vegetables a day and they can be hard to choke down ...unless you embrace the magic of bacon, coarse salt, and high-heat roasting.

Generally repellent veggies like Brussels sprouts and cauliflower take on entirely new identities when fixed thusly (they are now among my favorites):

Turn the oven on to 400 degrees. Let it get good and hot.

Choose any mix of hearty, tough and sometimes loathed veggies: the aforementioned sprouts, cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, parsnips, turnips sweet potatoes, white potatoes, peeled butternut squash, maybe mushrooms? Don't use beets. They will turn everything an unappetizing pink.

Trim the sprouts as you would normally -- cut off the hard bottoms, cut them in half if they are really big (ie, bigger than a single bite. I like them super tiny). Break apart the cauliflower/broccoli florets, chop the carrots and parsnips into pieces roughly the same size as the Brussels sprouts (this way they will all cook at the same rate, approximately).

Get your hands on good, thick bacon -- I like skin on. Crunchy! Washingtonians can get it from Canales fine meats at Eastern Market http://www.easternmarket-dc.org/default.asp?contentID=4

Thinly slice crosswise one or two slices of bacon, so you'll have little matchsticks about an inch or an inch and a half long. Each piece will have a fat and a little lean.

Scatter the bacon across the base of a large roasting pan.

Scatter the chosen vegetables over the bacon. Don't crowd them. They should have some breathing room otherwise they'll steam rather than roast. If you have too many, move them to a second pan.

Douse everything with a few tablespoons of good olive oil.

Shake the pan to roll and mix everything. The vegetable should be glistening and the bacon will be clinging to this and that.

Now: use a little more coarse sea salt than you think you should (just a little more ... you can always add it, you can't take it away) and sprinkle it over the veggies in the roasting pan. You should hold your hand at least a foot over them for even sprinkling.

Don't skip the salt. It's important. It inhibits your ability to taste bitterness -- so it does away with the objectionable sulphurous tastes Broc, Bruss and Cauli tend to give off.

Put the pan in the hot oven and walk away. They need to roast a while -- check them at 20 minutes, give the pan a shake. Walk away. Come back in another 5 or 10 minutes. The outer leaves of the Brussels sprouts should be crispy and brown. If you pluck one off and eat it you will think you are eating a very delicious potato chip. That's how you know you are done. The carrots should be tender when you poke them, ditto the parsnips and turnips and potatoes. If those things have not been achieved, walk away again. Come back. Repeat.

When they have reached the desired state of doneness (browner than you might be initially comfortable with... it's called carmelization, and it means the sugars inside the veggies have achieved their Platonic Ideal). Let the vegetables cool on your counter. Try not to eat them like candy before dinner. IT CANNOT BE DONE.

You'll make these all fall and winter, I promise. They are good enough to make you not miss tomato season, and you'll never look at Brussels sprouts the same way again.*

(While you're at it, throw a whole organic chicken - devoid of its bag of gizzards and heart etc -- in the oven to roast in either the same pan or separately. In the same pan, it will baste your veggies in chicken fat.. .so then you have three kinds of fat at work in the same dish and that is a sure fire route to success. Rub the chicken all over with a cut lemon first, then liberally sprinkle the bird with with coarse salt and pepper, and smoked paprika if you have it. Put the lemon in the chicken's cavity. Drizzle the chicken with a little olive oil ...Roast the chicken until the legs wiggle loosely and the skin is crisp. Dinner is done. Put a second one in and you have lunch for a week.)

Stay Tuned for How To Eat Your Vegetables Part Deux, in which I sing the praises of, and crib wildly from, Padma Lakshmi and Ina Garten:

* and if you haven't seen it, rent Shirley Valentine, an old British comedy about an Englishwoman, Shirley who goes to Greece and falls in love and rediscovers blah blah blah. I don't remember much except one of my favorite vegetable jokes EVER. Before she takes off for the cerulean seas, she talks with a neighbor about her terrible visit to Belgium's capital. Shirley, trying to be sympathetic, offers the only criticism she can think of: "I hate Brussels... All those sprouts."

Not anymore Shirley. NOT ANYMORE.

Make these veggies and report back. Remember: Don't crowd the plan, let them carmelize and use enough salt.

How To Work Hush Puppies Into a Sparkling Summer Evening

It's tucked away in a little visited corner of Washington, but just a few blocks from the Smithsonian metro stop -- on Independence Ave, not the Mall -- is the Mandarin Oriental Hotel. Inside said hotel is the Sou'wester restaurant, and inside the Sou'wester Restaurant, is Carlton McCoy, wunderkind sommelier and I suppose what most people would call a mixologist. The Sou'wester has a lovely terrace on a garden facing almost due southwest, so while the weather is great you should hie on over there and order, at minimum, the following things: The Revenge of Napolean III, and hush puppies.

Those are the hush puppies. I take seriously my fried starchy products and my friends, these hush puppies are heaven. HEAVEN. The outside is like crunchy lace, but tastes much better than crunchy lace might be expected to. Inside: tender, sweet corn bread. Spread them with honey butter, of which your waiter will provide a never-ending supply in tiny little pots.

I'm not kidding. Turn off your computer, go to Sou'wester and order them. Now. I'll be here when you get back.

WAIT WAIT WAIT! You also have to order a cocktail called The Revenge of Napolean III. Carlton works on these things for hours -- using fresh herbs and fruits...he said something about Paw Paw coming up in the spring. But never mind that now. Now you are focused on the Napolean III, a magical mix of fresh grapefruit juice, fine tequila and what is that aromatic something that hits you when you lift the drink to your lips and then lingers long after?


It's absinthe, friends -- not the kind that will rot your brain and make you hallucinate like Oscar Wilde did -- that's long since been outlawed (I think). But this -- the tiniest little spoonful and the whole drink explodes into a giant YES. Order it.

Then when you are done with that, you might want some Chesapeake oysters -- raw, with a bloody mary sauce -- or fried with an aioli that is pink from I forgot what because of the next picture.

Clever, handsome Carlton who is soon to be one the youngest master sommeliers in the country and a DC native -- did I mention? graduated from the CIA in Poughkeepsie, NY, but really learned to cook from his Pentacostal minister grandmother in DC who also ran a catering business out of her church -- has done something deeply wonderful: he has paired wines into reasonably priced (and generously poured) flights, allowing diners to compare similar wines from different countries while they eat. It's like a wine tasting party with none of the annoyance.

So. Get over there while the weather is still good, and read the cocktail menu closely, because it is slyly funny.

And in the meantime, dive into local peaches. This is perhaps their last week. This was our morning-after-5-cocktails-each at the Mandarin breakfast: white peaches and good orange juice. You must eat like you mean it. Summer is fleeting.

http://www.mandarinoriental.com/washington/dining/souwester/

UPDATE: How The Skies Parted and Erin Made Some Commitments to Furniture

I don't know how, exactly, but my friend and former roommate Erin -- living for the first time on her own in a studio apartment, devoid of everything but a blue ultra-suede couch -- has finally Committed.

I believe it all began with this lovely series of photos she found on House Beautiful. This is what she wants to live in. Weensy problem: she doesn't want to paint the ecru walls in her apartment the lavender above. She can, but she will likely only be in the apartment for eight months and doesn't want to go through the trouble of painting them only to paint them back to white when she moves out. As you can imagine, i take a dim view of that attitude, but I'm so pleased she is finally heading in a direction that I won't ride her too much. Too much.

And then she found this on Craigslist for some wonderfully low sum:

This Empire chest of drawers is perfect for the look above -- stately and masculine. It's stalwartness will be offset by ladylike color ...we'll get into that in a moment.

All, however, is not well in Erin land. I found for her THE IDENTICAL BERGERE CHAIR you see above -- linen, with a little pillow, a smushy and comfy and welcoming but classic too and ladylike and momentous. It was on Etsy and -- sit -- it was $165. That's it. Erin dithered. Do you think I should buy it? she asked me about 30 times via e-mail. I never waivered. When I finally pointed out this chair was exactly the one in the purple pictures, she got in touch with the artisan who was offering the chair and of course, it was gone. Because it was a $165 Bergere chair. Let this be a lesson to you, Erin, I said. Hell hath no fury like me when you don't do what I say when I say it and then decide to do what I say, but it's too late.

UPDATE! However: all is not lost. I just found these two chairs (fingers crossed they are still available) at a local antiques store and they are just $110 each. They will do as is, or with the wood painted white -- tying them into the dining room chairs -- or glossy black (the same as the second dresser, also below). The faded red will work well with the coral table you will see shortly.

Anyhoodle. I just emailed it to Erin, and she better move on these.

Erin was also lurking around this bed:

It doesn't look like much yet but: I am having her reupholster the headboard -- probably in something flowery to capture if not imitate the wonderful Chinese wall paper in the House Beautiful house. I want her to paint the bed aubergine -- a deep dark eggplant.

Then, these chairs: $65. I have convinced her to paint them white (its not hard to convince people that, so you know).

And to upholster them in something fun. I selected some fabrics and sort of paired them. I really like the second pair -- the blue and brown flowered fabric with the chain graphic fabric just under it. The first pink fabric is the closest I could find in a 10 minute search on discountfabricsusa.com It could go with the polka dots, but I think that's a little flaccid. The orange and white stripe would be nice, or the black and white chevron.

The lavender daisy fabric could go with the polka dots -- again I think too girly. why did I cinclude those pokla dots at all? -- or the chains. I don't like it with the black and white knots; the circles are too similar. So these are just options. I'd want to go to the fabric store and pick them out in person, and pair them up: but I'd say a floral headboard and a graphic chair seat.

She could also go with a deep purple velvet headboard with some decorative nail heads hammered in along the edges and bring a floral in in pillows. In that case, I'd want to see a panel of glorious Chinese wallpaper, framed -- maybe just artfully covering a large bulletin board.

I found this one. It's British so might take a little while to cross the pond... While it lacks the pink background of the House Beautiful room, there is enough pink in the birds to satisfy me. There is also a version with a light blue background that would also work.

http://mydeco.com/p/pavillion-birds-stone/GB697B4D4KVKP7WLCXYCFMD44WABMRV2GG47Y2L2/#variant=0

Since the HB room above has touches of electric yellow, I think this fabric should be used on a foot stool or pillow:

The room also needs another touch of color. Erin just found this craigslisted side table in coral for $85. It's perfect.

She also needs a place to put her TV. This dresser will do, painted glossy black (oh stop clutching your pearls and gasping, it's not a museum piece).

and outfitted with these excellent pulls (objects in blog may appear larger than they actually are. These are secretly less than 2 inches.)

http://www.eknobsandpulls.com/pull-in-polished-chrome-p9939.html

Now, to deal with the wall color. This apartment is notable for its impossible-to-penetrate plaster walls -- which obviates a lot of hanging (masonry bits would be involved, and what a pain in the ass that is.), be it drapes or paintings. So I'm thinking she should get 3 8-foot sheets of gypsium/drywall, paint them her desired lavender, and then just stand them up against the wall. They'd be both art (color blocks!) and wall color, and would be portable and could be repainted or upholstered at some later time.

She should look for a wall board that is not meant to be used on curved surfaces. She wants something stiff; in any case she may have to reinforce it to keep it from sagging. I don't think so if she selects this one:

http://www.homedepot.com/Building-Materials-Drywall-Drywall/h_d1/N-5yc1vZ1xh7Zbb52/R-100320191/h_d2/ProductDisplay?langId=-1&storeId=10051&catalogId=10053

She should paint it Benjamin Moore's California lilac. It seems a little less electric than the purple above, but she doesn't have the great architectural details of that house (trim etc) or the awesome natural light.

Now, for a Bergere chair in natural linen, a couple of small leopard pillows, some kind of coffee table... maybe with chrome on it... and a crystal or glass or mercury glass table lamp or two with black lamp shades to stand in for the chandelier.

How To Clean Up After A Blow Out

In 10 easy steps. These things I know. I have thrown many the blow out (including the one where my dad and brother were arrested CHARGES TRUMPED UP! and many parties included beer bottles empty of everything but horrible chew spittle. That is the smell of my youth. I had a lot of red neck friends.)

1) If you can manage it, before you go to bed, put away any leftover food you want to keep. If you let it sit until morning, you'll have to toss it and the house will smell. Plus, Germy! Also, fill an empty wine bottle with a little water -- you can add a touch of dish soap if you want. Splash the tiniest amount into each wine glass- especially the red wine glasses. (Do not touch the wine glasses in any other way.) This will save you scrubbing time tomorrow. Water is the universal solvent, which is the only thing I retained from 9th grade physics. You should also drink water. Hydrate!

2) Plump all the cushions. Really. This will make you feel better tomorrow when you come downstairs in the morning.

3) The next morning, after you've tiptoed through the trash and stickiness on the floor and gotten your coffee (at a nearby cafe because who can manage to make coffee in this mess), get your trash can and walk around ruthlessly throwing out everything that's garbage -- paper cups and plates, potato chip bags etc. Carry a separate box with you for recycling all those empty bottles of Cuervo. Take out the garbage. Swish a little bleach in the bottom of the garbage can. Will make things instantly more sanitary.

4) Clean up your kitchen. I know it seems BACKWARDS to do it before you've brought in any dirty dishes but it's much more pleasant to do dishes in a clean kitchen and clean sink. Wipe down the counters with something that smells like grapefruit. It will make you feel healthy. This is from Williams Sonoma, where I had my first job after college. I got in trouble for not dusting right.
http://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/8506156/?catalogId=4&bnrid=3154401&cm_ven=Shopping&cm_cat=Become&cm_pla=default&cm_ite=default

5) Gather then wash all your dishes in categories: all the little plates (wash), all the platters (wash), all the bowls (etc), all the glasses. They are much easier to deal with this way -- they will fit in the dishwasher easier, or nestle into one another in the dish rack. Do the glasses last -- they are easily broken so you want to make sure you have the room to treat them properly. Spread out a clean dish cloth and upend the wine glasses as you wash them.

6) Take a long break. House Hunters International may be on! Plus your kitchen is clean, save for piles of moist, scrubbed dishes, so you can make huevos rancheros. (heat a can of black beans with a little chili powder. Crumble up tortilla chips from the bottom of that bag wedged in the couch cushions and pout them on the plate. Scramble or fry a couple of eggs. Some people dopnm't like the yolks running amok. Put the beans on the chips, then top with the eggs. dig around until you find some cheese to grate on it, and sour cream if you have it, and dump the salsa you have leftover from last night. Eat. Watch TV. Hoarders is on! If that doesn't inspire you to finish cleaning, I don't know what will.

7) During commercial breaks, put away a category of now-dry dish -- just little plates, or just platters. Continue till done during commercials only. Feel superior to the hoarders (this is not difficult, and really is a very low bar to set for yourself. You should be ashamed). Remark to your boyfriend/roommate/mother that what they should do is give the hoarders 30 minutes to make a list of all the things that they want to keep. The trick is that they can't make the list in the presence of the stuff -- they have to be outside the house, perhaps in a clean, well-lit cafe. Anything not on the list gets tossed. Ta-Daa!

8) By now your house and kitchen should be food, garbage, smell and dish free. Put on a moisturizing or skin clearing masque. Put on clean socks, get out your Swiffer wet jet and run it around the floors. Throw all your dishtowels in the laundry.

9) Take a shower. Admire your moist, clear skin.

10) Clean up your huevos dishes. Order in Chinese food.

How Ciara Should Finish Her Back Yard

This is not her back yard, yet.

Ciara is a gorgeous, globe-trotting diplomat (she's just returned from 16 months in Afghanistan, and spent her early 20s in Malaysia or somewhere and lord knows where she was in between. I think working for the mayor of NY?) She is now settled in DC (temporarily, I presume) in a gorgeous, small one bedroom townhouse on my beloved Capitol Hill.

Said townhouse comes with a typical backyard -- tiny by suburban standards -- about 12 feet wide by 14 feet long. But it's as big as her living room, so a space she makes use of -- mostly as a dining area.

She's a great cook. Sunday dinner: crab dip, clam and fresh corn chowder, grilled flat iron steaks, heirloom tomatoes, gnochi with cream and bacon and peas... and a homemade rustic peach tart with ginger. And Breyers Vanilla. Perfection. (Just to be clear, I don't let my ice cream touch my pie because it ruins the crust. You can do what you want, but I will look down on you. That will be the subject of another post: How Not To Ruin Your Pie)

Ruined.

Marginally Less Ruined. But these two things should be on separate plates.

Her backyard is all brick -- lovely old worn brick -- and high wooden fences covered in vines. She tends toward candle lanterns, and she is not sure yet what to do with the somewhat crumbling outdoor fireplace and grill that sits in the back south east corner.

If I have my way, she'll be keeping it. It's a great feature, and gives the yard a reason to exist in the winter... feet up on the bricks, a fire, hot chocolate spiked with Baileys, a wool blanket...

So: She is looking for ideas on what to do with her backyard. She wants to use it for dining, of course, but it should also be a space to hang out at a party, and to stretch out and read and nap.

I sent the image above to her and she loved it. She said she wanted a mix of Tuscany and Asia... so that's what's guiding me.

As I said I am dealing with a 12X14' rectangle. The kitchen backs up to the yard -- it forms a wall of about 8 feet wide across the top of the drawing. There's a short breezeway connecting the kitchen door to the back area. I don't show that in the drawing below, which is as to scale as I could make it on my Paint program. Which is not much.

So: I am calling for 8' by 2' built in benches in an L shape. The tops should hinge so she can store pillows and lanterns inside.

I am showing her existing table pulled up to them -- it's about 42 inches in diameter and is iron or steel. I like its strength and visual lightness. There is going to be a lot of wood back there, so I welcome another element.

Ciara can lie down on the benches, or use them as dinner seating, or move the table away for a party so lots of people can sit.

Alternately (or when the table isn't in place) Ciara should get three ceramic garden stools and place them in the middle of the dining area -- they can be cocktail tables, ottomans or additional seating. And they bring color and another material - ceramic - to the show. They are also an Asian element.

I'd like to see at least one comfortable chair -- maybe two -- in wood, to pull up to the back fireplace or to sidle up to the table at dinner.

She needs a fountain -- either something Asian looking, or something really modern and shiny steel. And lights: lanterns and large outdoor globe lights. These are 6 inches in diameter... These lights are more unexpected than just a string of globe lights (though I like those too) and it will feel like my grandparents backyard, in a good way.

(My Grandpa Kohler built us a “carousel” of little plastic animals and polls attached to the limbs of a huge grapefruit tree, and they had wonderful colored lights all over, casting strange shadows on palm trees and giant tropical plants. Clearly feeling nostalgic, though that particular grandmother was all kinds of cray cray.)

Over all of this will be a 12X9' pergola -- spanning the width of the backyard and just the dining area. The spaces in between the posts -- I show six on the diagram above, but only four in the drawing below for ease of viewing -- will be cedar lattice, to provide honeysuckle and wisteria vines a place to climb. I'd like to see the entire pergola and the built in benches painted either black -- gorgeous in a garden, especially a shady one -- or a deep, dusty, peacock blue. It will shortly be covered in greenery, so the blue will jsut peek out and make the space feel a little more exotic. The black will make it feel more traditional, but is in no way stodgy.

Observe what it would look like, standing next to the built in fireplace (not shown). For whatever reason I can't load the image of this in my computer so I had to take a picture of the drawing, which is more or less to scale.

These are the items I pulled for Ciara: the globe lights and lanterns, outdoor cushions, a host of garden stools to choose from (3, in different colors please), three fountains, a large planter that picks up on the orange cushions I favor, and an ornate mirror I just found on craigslist that can be hung above one the bench facing you in the drawing above -- to reflect the fire in the winter, especially.

Here are the links!

Lights:
http://www.sivallighting.com/enchantingspherehangingornament6dia20minilightsincludespowercord.aspx
Lanterns:
http://www.pier1.com/Catalog/CandlesFragrance/CandlesFragrance/tabid/485/CategoryID/100/List/0/catpageindex/2/Level/a/ProductID/7705/ProductName/Outdoor-Brown-Leaf-Lanterns/Default.aspx

Garden Stools
http://www.homedecodirect.com/Red_Tuscan_Garden_Stool_18h_p/10h0978rd.htm
http://www.homedecodirect.com/Garden_Stool_Teal_p/hde-1254tl.htm
http://www.overstock.com/Home-Garden/Cane-Mai-White-Ceramic-Garden-Stool/3898621/product.html?cid=123620&fp=F&ci_src=14110944&ci_sku=11942512
http://www.amazon.com/Vivid-Turquoise-Ceramic-Garden-Stool/dp/B0039BH988
http://www.overstock.com/Worldstock/Round-Red-Goldfish-Chinese-Porcelain-Stool-China/3036372/product.html?rcmndsrc=2
http://www.overstock.com/Worldstock/Chrome-Chinese-Porcelain-Stool-China/3884932/product.html?rcmndsrc=2

Outdoor cushions
http://www.overstock.com/Home-Garden/Clara-Wicker-Outdoor-Ottoman-Cushion-with-Sunbrella-Fabric/5042880/product.html

Wooden Chair
http://www.overstock.com/Home-Garden/Outdoor-Eucalyptus-Wood-Lounge-Chair/5157435/product.html

Fountains
http://www.kineticfountains.com/kenei-garden-fountain.asp?idcategory=323
http://www.kineticfountains.com/calais-rhine-garden-fountain.asp?idcategory=323

The planter
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003MS1XN0/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=B003MS4KQW&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0SE5ZGPKZSKHQAXNX2MM

The mirror
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/mld/fuo/1956009122.html

Get on it, Ciara!

How To Have A Fancy Dinner Party Without Considering Suicide 10 Minutes Before It Begins from Anxiety About Your Cooking and General Overwork

This is not the baton twirler you will soon read about but it is a REMARKABLE likeness.

At some point, you will want to have everyone over to see your fabulously designed (dining room/living room/studio/deck) that is full of unbelievably gorgeous and inexpensive furniture you bought off Craigslist because of this blog. No one will believe their eyes or their ears as you modestly recount the price tags (This can be boring for listeners. Watch for eye glaze.).


To extend the time they are willing to sit still for this nonsense, you are going to have to feed them something wonderful. Might as well have a dinner party (brunch, lunch and cocktails in a future post.) Guests are far more eager to listen to you prattle and they will nod appreciatively if they are busily scooping up this dip or that spread and filling their glasses with champagne.

There are a few simple rules to accomplishing this without the aforementioned suicidal mood swings. They come from 20 years of fantastically successful dinner parties (I still manage to be known as the chef in my circle of friends, which includes extremely competent and talented cooks who constantly wow me with what they turn out – so different and as far as I am concerned, so much more wonderful than mine. My reputation is all hoodwinkery, and comes from slavishly adhering to the rules below.)

They also come from one socially tragic 13th birthday party that I have still not recovered from. Thank god for my Dad, and Red Lobster. To wit: I was a tall, hygienically challenged 12 going on 13 in 8th grade. I was goofy but, I thought, well liked. My birthday unfortunately falls close to Christmas. I selected a date for my birthday party and invited the entire junior high school swim team, inclouding the captain who was a total dream. Well, as it turns out, Kelly Gignilliat, the tiny, adorable flute playing blonde national champion baton twirler in my grade, decided to have a party the same night, and invite the same crew. (plus scads of others I’m sure. Not me, though. )

(Really, I’ve gotten over it. I couldn’t have gone anyway! I had a 13th Birthday Party to host.)

Needless to say, 8th grade social politics being what they are, I had about 33 no shows. It was almost devastating.

Almost, I say, because my father had the presence of mind prior to the party to call Red Lobster and order up several platters of shrimp cocktail and blue claw crab claws.


The seven guests who came couldn’t believe their luck: SO MANY CRAB LEGS. All for them.

While most partiers would take one look around at all the other losers who didn’t get to go to Kelly Gignilliat’s party instead and walk right out – better to spend the night alone than wallow in group humiliation – these seven saw it for what it was: a Dionysian feast, just for us.

We ate, we drank (soda), we played ping pong and pool and tag, and those 7 remained some of my best friends through high school... where, it should be noted, I had numerous extremely successful massive parties, including one on graduation night when my dad and brother got arrested on trumped-up obstruction of justice charges. The party went on until 4 the next day, so no harm done, and the charges were eventually dropped.

THE RULES

Rule 1: if you serve awesome food and have a lot of no shows, no one will pity you. They will just be glad they came. And they will tell their friends, and next time, you will have more of a crowd than you are prepared to deal with.

So: prepare to do a little work. You need awesome food. But it doesn’t have to be difficult. Make lists of things you need to buy, and things you need to do (wash and iron your napkins. Please use cotton or linen napkins. Please), and things you need to prepare. Having a successful dinner party requires a little OCD.

Rule 2: Start with a bang. Have appetizers ready to go when people arrive, and have champagne glasses out and a bottle open and on ice when they get there. As soon as they walk in, hand them a glass and something to eat.

Rule 3: Make one fantastic appetizer that looks terribly complicated (and may well be.) Let the others be simple and more filling: maybe (bought) hummous and sweet potato chips, olives (rinsed and then put into fresh olive oil, with lemon zest, rosemary or thyme, and crushed hot red pepper. Put out little bowls for pits)., and fresh ricotta cheese (you will make this the day before) with shredded fresh basil or a touch of pesto on crostini. Save other cheeses for later. They are too filling. The complicated appetizer should be one bite, and it must be gorgeous and fresh. Hollow out a length of cucumber and pack in minced raw tuna and ginger – dress it with a little soy and wasabi. Or make a gorgeous, rich hot or cold soup and serve it in the tiniest of mugs with a fresh, hot handmade crouton crisped in butter. Then be all like: this old thing? Martha Stewart has a whole book on hors d'oeurves. Check it out. But just do one. More than that and you’ll go bananas. You are just trying to make a first impression. That sets the stage for everything that comes next.


Rule 4: Have set a gorgeous table the night before so you are not racing to do it before the party. You have insanely gorgeous appetizers to make (just 1 per person).

Rule 5: Have more wine than you think you will need. Terrible to run out. Don’t depend on your friends to bring enough to cover you. Store their bottles for the next party.

Rule 6: If this is the kind of dinner where you are trying to wow people, your dinner menu should be something people either universally love or wouldn’t attempt to make for themselves. And it better be good. But it also needs to be something that doesn’t require last minute prep. My go to entrée for this: Nobu’s Black Cod with Miso. It marinates for three days, then just pops in the oven for a few minutes when the guests arrive. It smells nutty and mysterious… most people don’t cook with Miso paste so they’ll be all “whu?”

http://cookinginpajamas.onsugar.com/Black-Cod-Miso-7371164

Rule 7: Have something really accessible and rich as a side dish – like a fantastic upscale mac and cheese, or potatoes au gratin with sour cream and gruyere. They can both be prepared in advance, then sit in the oven with the fish while it cooks to warm up. Make more of this than you think you will need, because people will scarf this down, especially the people who think they hate fish so don't try the black cod with miso. These people should not be invited again. Unless you really, really love them.

Rule 8: Make a big salad with the best greens you can find and THIS IS IMPORTANT homemade vinaigrette. Wash and dry the lettuce, if necessary. Put the vinaigrette in the bottom of the bowl, pile the lettuces on top. Don’t toss the salad till it gets to the table or everything will be soggy and horrible. Don’t put too much dressing on it. And if you pass around a bottle of dressing, I don’t know what to do with you. I give up. (bottled dressings have emulsifiers and are almost always too sharp for my taste, and are full of terrible unpronounceable things). Vinaigrette is simple – 3 parts good olive oil, 1 part acid (vinegar or lemon juice or blood orange juice or or or, or some mix thereof), a little dollop of Dijon mustard – not too much – you can add more but you can’t take it away – salt at the end.) Don't put a bunch of things in the salad. This isn't the Golden Corral. Just good lettuce and vinaigrette.

Rule 9: Buy (or make… if you’re going for Dinner Olympics...it’s quite easy and soothing to make, but people think its hard so they will be impressed, and your house will smell like heaven) good bread. Warm it in the oven just before serving. I have a pain aux noix rising right now in a cast iron Dutch oven. Took no time at all.

Rule 9.5: Don't attempt to plate the food for your guests. This is not a restaurant. Serve it family style. It's a great ice breaker, if the chamapgne did not have the desired effect, and will remind people of (hopefully happy) loud family dinners growing up. It will occupy everyone with noise and movement, and gives you a chance to toast your guests and thank them for joining you. They will toast you back.

Rule 10: If dinner is going well, have a cheese course. People love it because how often do you get to eat three or four different kinds of cheese at once? You can plate it up in advance. Let it sit at room temperature while you eat dinner. Serve it with walnut halves and maybe some honey. A bowl of pears or apples would also be nice. No one will take them, though. Let people finish off the last of the bread with the cheese.

Rule 11: Just when they think it’s coming to an end and you suck for not giving them a real dessert, bust out dessert. It must be chocolate. Pots de Crème, a Chocolate Stout Cake you made the day before (cream cheese icing), chocolate waffles you make tableside and serve with salted caramel ice cream, homemade chocolate ice cream sandwiches. It must be chocolate. You can serve an apple or other fruit tart or a pie, but unless you also serve chunks of dark chocolate, passed around on a little plate, everyone will leave vaguely dissatisfied. You need to start and end with a bang (chocolate is the bang) and everyone will forget anything you screwed up in between.

Rule 12: if you are feeling REALLY ridiculous and want to impress, have made homemade sticky buns or scones for your guests and send them out the door with each one wrapped in parchment paper (tied up with string. This will be their favorite thing I promise) for breakfast the next day.

You’re welcome.