How To Clean Out Your Purse

You remember my friend Allison -- she of the 21 Tips for Living an Organized Life.

also known as: How To Be Freakishly Organized

http://howtorunyourlife.blogspot.com/2010/10/how-to-be-freakishly-organized.html

The one I've adopted is cleaning out my purse -- not every night, certainly, but at least once a week. Or every other week, really, if I need to be entirely honest.

My first go at it was an eye-opening and somewhat disgusting experience involving stray hair, weird crumbs and a lipstick covered nickel, and I've evolved an efficient method that I am sharing here today.

You need:

a well lit, clear space

a large piece of newspaper or a large dishrag

Q-Tips or similar

Rubbing alcohol and paper towels

1. Don't try to remove everything from your purse one by one. Spread out the newspaper or dishrag on your clear well lit space and upend your purse. This is vitally important. It's the equivalent of doing the dishes in rubber gloves -- it really lets you get in there and do it.

2. Shake the purse again over the newspaper. Peer inside. See the crumbs in the corner? Tug on the lining (if there is one) so it is inside out.

3. Wipe out the inside of the purse/lining with a paper towel dabbed with a bit of rubbing alcohol provided we're not dealing with silk here.

4. Poke into the hard to reach corners, like the zippered pockets, with Q-Tips. Keep poking till they come out clean.

5. Now sift through the disgusting mess on the newspaper. Throw out all the unnecessary paper -- surely you have some cash receipts you don't need. Wipe off your compact and lipstick with paper towels and alcohol, pick the hair out of the pen clips. Replace each cleaned bit into your fresh purse.

6. Wash or wipe down the loose change. Put the quarters back in your change purse and the rest in your change jar where you are saving for a new Birken (get on the waiting list now. By the time you have enough money, your name will be on top).

7. Put in your purse a small, nearly empty -- but still fragrant -- perfume bottle that used to hold a scent you love without its cap. Every time you open your purse you'll get a nice hit. You could do the same thing with a small sachet of lavender or rosemary (but make sure it's well sewn, otherwise you'll have lavender crumbs next time.)

8. Toss the newspaper, feel superior to your former self, and take anticipatory pleasure knowing that the next time you dig for change for a nice homeless person (I like Miss Ruth, who wears black shoe polish on her face, white sweats, stores her things in white grocery bags, and sings like a dream) it won't come out all gummed up.

How To Seduce A Lady With a Shrimp, Redux

It worked.

How Martha Stewart Can Help You Hide Porn

For reasons economic (a couple of months too late perhaps, given the $5,000 chesterfield couch slowly slowly wending its way toward me....)

I have decided to Make Do With Less.

(don't panic, I'm getting to the porn)

I have Much. I don't need Much (probably because I already have it).

As of Day 2, this new belt-tightening regime is remarkably refreshing. I normally blow $100 a day on the weekends at flea markets and farm stands but this weekend, I spent just $40 -- including 5 Honeycrisp apples, a bag of curly kale, an onion, 5 paperwhite bulbs and a desperately needed broom.

But I broke down and just bought the latest issue of House Beautiful (it's on Entertaining! I was helpless before it).

via housebeautiful.com

So while laying on the floor in my couchless living room (the couch is literally on a slow boat from China and has been since August) in front of a fire reading Said Magazine, my eye wandered over to my well-thumbed collection of design magazines (not to be confused with food magazines nor the design and food books that line my shelves). They are stored neatly in a clever open cabinet that has 28 cubbies.

And I wondered: exactly how much have I spent on these things?

So I removed them, cubby by cubby, dusted the open shelves, and started sorting and counting.

Most are in great shape, but two tripped me up: no covers, spines or back covers. What were these things? It quickly became clear they were Marthas, and I remembered what had happened.

A couple of years ago I went to visit a wounded Marine at Bethesda Naval Medical hospital. I brought with me the two things I knew any Marine would enjoy: homemade salty oatmeal and cranberry cookies and porn.

Don't get your knickers in a bunch: it was straight ahead naked ladies, nothing terribly twisted. Nevertheless, I had no idea where to get it. I happen to live near a Marine barracks on Capitol Hill so I wandered to the corner and waited. Within seconds, a tall handsome blonde man with the telltale high and tight haircut walked by.

I stopped him: "Excuse me, you're a Marine," I said, stating the obvious. "I am visiting a wounded Marine at Bethesda and I'd like to bring him some porn. Where do I get porn around here?" He pointed across the street at the videostore that is not Blockbuster, but is certainly innocent looking enough. "Walk straight to the back through the curtain, and don't look the right. It's on the back wall."

(The gay porn, it turns out, is to the right. I couldn't resist looking to the right. Like Lott's wife and Bluebeard's girlfriend with the bloody key, I'm doomed to do whatever it is you tell me not to do. I can't help it. This once happened while waiting in a two-hour line to get maple donuts in the Appalachian mountains while people walked by us with literally DOZENS. I wondered aloud: why don't they limit them a dozen per customer? Then the line would move. And my boyfriend, being of those mountains, said: I beg of you, don't ask them when we get to the window. And I promised but forgot when I got to the window and I asked and he was right. I shouldn't have asked. BECAUSE IT'S A FREE COUNTRY was the answer I got, followed by a very long diatribe possibly punctuated by things like "don't tread on me" and "the war of Northern Aggression" and it was a miracle that I walked away having been allowed to purchase any maple donuts at all. Truthfully they had too much nutmeg in them. I later made bread pudding with the ones we didn't eat right away, and the nutmeg didn't bother me anymore.)

(These are the actual donuts)

So back to the porn: I eventually found what I was looking for, paid for my magazines, explained to the non-English speaking clerk that I was fulfilling my patriotic duty by purchasing filth, and raced home with the brown paper bag tucked into my coat. I passed the same blond Marine on my way home and waggled the bag at him. He gave me a thumbs up and a big smile.

There I carefully (to make Martha proud) sliced off the covers and spines of two of her issues and carefully glued them around the Gentlemen Prefer Ds or whatever they were. I didn't know if porn would be confiscated at the hospital but I wasn't taking any chances; I once sat through a congressional hearing where the sale of porn on base was outlawed. The Marine was grateful for both cookies and porn.

Anyway, my collection includes: 30 Elle Decors, 38 Marthas*, 42 House Beautifuls, 14 Dominos, 28 House and Gardens, 7 Martha Stewart Weddings (I desperately want a wedding. Not to be married -- just the wedding part), 34 Metropolitan Homes, and 73 random ones -- Renovation Style, Garden & Gun, traditional Home etc. Oh, and 8 Dwells.

If my math is right, and its probably not, that's more than 250 magazines. At an average of $5 a piece... I have spent over $1250 on magazines (and this is not to mention the several dozen I just realized are in my bedroom and bathroom, and the many I read outside and forget about in the rain and then I have to throw them out. I think sometimes I do it on purpose so I can get rid of a few.)

They are all going back in the cabinet, mind you. But it's good to face facts now and again. That $1250 would come in awfully handy about now...

(* 2 didn't have covers)

Some design blogs I love

So when I am bored, and at a computer -- these things often go hand in hand -- I have a little tour I do of the Internets. It's kind of like a virtual paper route in reverse -- instead of dropping off newspapers, I'm going door to door, picking up other people's stuff.

Here's what I've learned: there are an AWFUL lot of design-mad people out there, and a lot of them are REALLY talented.

I just discovered this lass today, via Apartment Therapy (my first stop every morning). I may be a little late to the game, but this woman is talented and obsessive, and as cheap as I am. I LOVE it.

http://www.dwellingsbydevore.com/

check it out. She found this stuff and gussied it up, with a great eye for shape and color.

She glued some bamboo skewers on the front of a small round mirror and voila:

And a little bit of fabric, paint and some ribbon turns this table into wonderfulness.


I like this girl.

I am also growing ever more devoted to A Perfect Grey http://www.aperfectgray.com/ (and not just because she says nice things about me from time to time, though that definitely helps). She has the eye of a design magazine editor. It's great, soothing, ordered eye candy every time I stop in, and is heavily influencing the design decisions I am making in the coming weeks.

check it. THIS IS HER BACKYARD. This is the backyard I DREAM of having and keep failing to have.

And she culled these lovely images...

So go check her out.

I also have a little crush on Lauren at http://purestylehome.blogspot.com/ who is a fellow Washingtonian and Buffy the Vampire Slayer devotee (I prefer the TV version myself), but everything I'm not -- blond, organized... young. There seems to be this whole super-race of gorgeous blond extremely talented designers with adoring husbands and amusing and inspiring blogs.... Rachel over at http://nestegg.typepad.com/ being the Queen Bee.

This is a picture of Lauren's master bedroom

and her perfect, sane office.

I on the other hand can't seem to stay away from Lucite and Cherub Lamps, busts of George Washington and any painting with scary eyes. Must. Rein. In. Crazy. Impulses.

How to Seduce a Lady with A Shrimp

This is not my friend.

My pal at work is planning a romantic dinner for a woman he would like to... how shall I say this... "bed." He would like to "bed" her.

He's got things well in hand -- tiny little lollipops of lamb in a port wine reduction, potatoes au gratin (Julia Child-style) -- and a flourless chocolate cake for dessert. (You have a woman over: you must serve chocolate. Violate this rule at your peril.)

But he needs to start the meal with a bang if he intends to end with one.

The nice thing about appetizers is you can splurge a bit because you're not making a whole lot of it. So I suggested a fresh lobster cocktail. He demurred. Iodine aversion? No idea.

I thought of, but immediately rejected, caviar -- too obvious he would be trying to impress her. Caviar should only be served to people who really love caviar. The others will see through your smoke screen, and you'll be out $100.

So: that leaves, obviously, shrimp.

Now there are many things to do with shrimp, but if you want to do some thing impressive, easy, and sure to score you points with the ladies (and gents for that matter: my friend Leeny made these at a very uncomfortable dinner with one of her ex-boyfriends who may or may not be clinically depressed, and he perked up and ate them all), make these:

Prosciutto-Wrapped Shrimp

Ingredients:

As many slices of prosciutto

as you have large, raw, deveined peeled, tail-on shrimp

Prepared pesto (try to get the fresh stuff rather than the jarred variety, but any will work in a pinch)

That's it!

Toss the raw shrimp about in a bowl of pesto, perhaps thinned with a little - I say a LITTLE - water.

Let them get all green -- they should sit for about 20 minutes, not much more.

Take out each shrimp and wrap it like a mummy from head to toe with a piece of prosciutto. Lay in a broiler-proof pan. Repeat with the other shrimp till done. Drizzle the whole thing with a little olive oil, a pinch of coarse salt, and a fresh grinding of black pepper.

Put the pan under the broiler -- about three or four inches away from the flame -- for 3 minutes. Take out the pan, flip each shrimp, and put back under the broiler for a minute. Take it out, pull one shrimp from the pan, and cut into it. it should be tender but opaque. If it is, you're done. If it's not, put it back in the oven for another minute.

Serve these bad boys warm. Prepare for the ladies to chew your fingers.

Let Us Now Discuss Brunch: 10 Easy Steps

It's an excellent occasion for entertaining. Reason: everyone is at loose ends on a Sunday morning, they feel like they should be living it up because it's the weekend, and no one expects fine china and expensive wine (a bit of Prosecco is welcome, certainly). Plus: who doesn't love waffles?

And your guests go home after 2 or three hours, leaving you with a happy buzz, plenty of time to clean up and watch football and eat leftovers.

Here are the Rules for a Fabulously Successful Brunch. You can have a fabulously successful brunch without follwoing these rules, but don't blame me if something goes wrong.

1. Buy the newspapers. The NY Times (so you can read the wedding section) and your local paper, which should have comics and Parade, which is dreadful but wonderful at the same time. Parade, last I heard, is the single most lucrative market for the freelancer -- something like $3 a word. (compared to $1, or less at other places). That may have all changed, but I can scribble something out for Parade for $3 a word. Anyway: People want to read the Sunday papers, and this gives morning grumps an excuse not to talk.

2. Make cinnamon coffee. (Just sprinkle a whisper of cinnamon on the grounds before you brew). Ignore the snobs and purists who insist on their regular strong coffee. Serve it with half and half (warmed) and sugar cubes. Have tea, or hot apple cider as well. If you have a small coffee pot, buy a thermos. Pour the first pot of coffee into the thermos, and serve from the second. Use the first as your back up.

3. Serve good orange juice. Not from concentrate, please. Ice champagne or prosecco. Super fancy points, puree yourself up a white peach and make Bellinis. You can have Bloody Mary's but I think they are repellent.

4. The night before, make Ina's coffee cake. Every brunch needs something sweet, and this keeps everyone sated until you're done cooking, which you're invariably still doing when they came because you overslept. While it bakes, set the table. Include candles and fresh flowers or herbs poking out of little glasses.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/sour-cream-coffee-cake-recipe/index.html

5. Think hard about the menu: Your meal should consist of eggs and meat of some sort, unless you are a vegeterian or especially a vegan -- in which case, you're on your own. You will also need something fruit- related

and at least one starch - muffins, toast, bagels, biscuits. Now, anyone can lay out a spread of bagels and cream cheese and fruit etc., and this is not something I sneeze at. It has its place. But fabulous? No. And despite the etymological derivation of the word "brunch" no one actually wants lunch foods at noon on Sunday. If you want to have lunch, do it on Saturday, and start it at 1:30. More on that in a future post.

Here are some menu ideas (all presume you have made Ina's cake above, which is like a chemical-free version of those fantastic Hostess crumb cakes people of my generation grew up on and no one will talk of anything else). Most include almost entirely things that can be made ahead... some a day, some an hour.

Fancy-Pants:

• Norwegian Waffles (sweet, with cardamom -- griddled up at the table... just get an extension cord and make them to order while you eat everything else.) Recipe to come in an update. I am separated from it at the moment -- it's pretty simple though -- your basic waffle with a stick of melted butter in the batter, 1/4 c ground cardamom, and I think 1/2 cup of sugar. (Make the batter an hour before guests arrive)
• Scrambled eggs with Dill (this is the last minute dish. No one likes tired old eggs.)
• Smoked Salmon with capers and minced red onion and thin slices of pumpernickel bread, and more fresh dill. (assemble ahead)
• Steamed asparagus, if it's in season (steam it the night before. You can serve at room temperature... if so dress it with a little fresh orange or lemon juice and orange zest.
• Fresh fruit -- whatever is in season -- or perhaps broiled grapefruit (halve it, loosen the sections and sprinkle with a little brown sugar. Then run the grapefruit under the broiler. These can be prepped ahead and broiled at the last minute, since it's the only things going in the oven on this menu.)

The Traditionalist:

• Ham and Mushroom quiche (or strata, in which case forget the...)
• Buttermilk biscuits (fast, if you have a food processor to do the cutting for you) and honey butter. (pop these in the oven when the guests arrive. They bake in about 10 minutes)
• Chicken and maple sausage or bacon (bacon en masse is best done in the oven)
• Hash brown potatoes (you can top them with sour cream and grated gruyere cheese... why not... and run under the broiler. Serve them in the large cast iron pan you made them in. Terribly cozy and keeps everything hot) (make the potatoes ahead of time -- even the night before -- but bring to room temperatue and top them and broil them at the last minute)

Eat Your Face Off:

• Huevos Rancheros with sliced avocado and sour cream and extra salsa (make these with scrambled eggs, because people can have a problem coping with runny yolks the morning after a night out, and prep the fixings and people can assemble them themselves)
• Mango or papaya tossed with lime juice (can be done when you first get up. The citrus will keep things reasonably perky)
• Cornmeal pancakes (or cornmeal waffles, made tableside) (make the batter in the morning, cook at the last minute)
• Chorizo or bacon (maybe maple bacon)
• Sweet potato and poblano chile hash (make it the night before, reheat. There's NOTHING worse than waiting for raw potatoes to cook when you have people wanting their breakfast)

6. Light candles (no one expects either candles in the morning or the Spanish Inquisition)(It's just a saying: Do not invite Torquemada), or better yet, light a fire in the fireplace.

7. Play Eva Cassidy on your Ipod speakers, or if you are a dinosaur like me, on your CD player. No one can possibly object to Eva.

8. Make sure everyone has a glass of champagne as soon as they walk through the door - even if they don't want it. It sets the appropriately louche tone. You can drop a raspberry in it, or a sprig of lemon verbena, or even Thai basil, to make it seem like you put some thought into it.

9. Have Ina's cake out and ready to go for people to nibble on while you work (and drink and sway to Eva and remark about what a shame it is she died so young, because it is. It's a total shame. And if you go listen to her on YouTube you'll understand why.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFFo1pu4q7Q). The cake is also an excellent time absorber for your guests who are hungover and moving slowly. Hungover people are terribly selfish and will be late every time. Don't start the scrambled eggs until you have a quorum, or they will be overcooked and watery.

10. Since you've set the table the night before; serve the food buffet style, from your kitchen counters. Use cloth napkins, and let people refill their own damn coffee. Claim Sudoku for yourself.

How To Make a Quasi-Quick Appetizer

I say quasi because it takes the tiniest amount of advance planning, but it's fast and cheap and easy otherwise. It's the perfect assemble ahead-pop-in-oven-this old thing? appetizer for a party, with the added bonus of being hot.

Practically Instant Carmelized Onion-Goat Cheese Pizza

1. First carmelize yourself a mess of onions. I like sweet onions like Vidalia, but any yellow or white onion will do.

It's a simple process: slice onions thinly into a heavy pan -- cast iron is best -- and cook with a little butter or olive oil or both slowly slowly -- it will take much longer than you think, but you don't really have to do anything but stir it once in a while -- until the onions brown. some people add sugar to help it along, but I think that's cheating and you have to watch it more closely so the sugar doesn't burn. Just do it the old fashioned way.

When the onions look like that (see above) you're done. Throw them in some Tupperware and hold onto them until your party. They will last a few days in the fridge.

2. The day of the party, take out a log of goat cheese and let it come to room temperature. Mash it up so it's spreadable.

3. Now spread a couple of table spoons on a pita bread, reaching almost to the edges. Don't make it too thick. Use less than you would if you were making a peanutbutter sandwich, but not as little as if you were spreading mayo on toast for a BLT.

4. Now, top with a couple tablespoons of carmelized onions. Not too many -- they are pretty aggressively sweet and oniony.

5. At this point, you can lay them on cookie sheets, cover with plastic, and let them sit in the fridge till the party that night.

6. When you are ready to serve them, heat the oven to 375 and pop in the cookie sheets -- don't do them all at once. Heat the pitas up -- it will take just a few minutes.

7. Now, when they come out of the oven, if you want to be fancy, there are all kinds of things you can do: sprinkle the top with crushed red pepper or a fresh grind of black pepper; sprinkle with the tiniest bit of chopped fresh rosemary (or basil, if it's summer) or shaved parmesan cheese. You also throw a whisper of lemon zest on there. Or stud with some chopped Kalamata olives (they can go on before or after the oven, ditto some thinly sliced prosciutto). But as is is plenty good.

8. Next slice the pitas into six pieces (pie shaped is easy to handle) and wander around with them on trays decorated with branches of rosemary. You should say "Hot Treat?" when offering them to people. People LOVE passed appetizers, especially hot ones.

9. Repeat with next tray. This is a good thing to make someone else do at your party. There is always some wallflower looking to help out in the kitchen. Use this to your advantage. (Plus it gives the wallflower a chance to say "Hot treat?" to people, which will be a new experience for them and may save them from wallflower status permanently.)